I'm Gone
by papillon99
Summary: Duo's having a dream. He's tired of this happyDuo act. He's tired of everything. But...it's only a dream right? I mean, nothing bad can happen, right? Dreams can be dangerous...Warning: death fic, mature themes and heavy angst, possibly some difficult wri


**Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or the song "When I'm Gone" by 3 Doors Down.**

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**Even though he was asleep, he tossed and turned in the tranquil night. Sweat beaded on his forehead, and his frenzied hands clutched at the sides of his bed, as if he was afraid of suddenly being thrown onto the floor. The images in his mind were driving him insane. 

He was walking in the deep abyss of a canyon, with the desert sun beating down on his back. He was alone. His usual, wry grin was not found on his lips. His eyes were empty, thinking. To everyone else, he was Duo. Happy-go-lucky, carefree, always so optimistic. He chuckled bitterly to himself. "That's a joke."

_There's another world inside of me that you may never see _

_There are secrets in this life that I can't hide _

Thoughts of war ran through his mind. What kind of monster was he, to be killing dozens of people everyday?

"There must be some reason why I'm doing this. There must be a reason why I must kill, a reason that undoes all my sins. What is it? I mean, God has to have a reason for me to be doing all this, right? Some glorious reason that excuses all the killing I've done."

_Somewhere in this darkness there's a light that I can't find _

_Well maybe it's too far away _

_Or maybe I'm just blind _

These thoughts, these contemplations were not rare. No, in fact, they happened constantly, continually. They drove him mad. He was searching. Searching for the reason as to why war plagued him. There must be a reason, a purpose why he had been chosen to live out this life. God did not answer him. God had only taken away from him and made him ask more questions. If only he knew the answer. If only…

Maybe I'm just blind 

He hugged himself, tightly, protecting himself from the ghosts of the past. Tears, unshed for so long, bit at his eyes. "Someone help me," he whispered. "God, where are You?"

But he had his friends, didn't he? Heero, Trowa, Quatre, Wufei…they were the reason Duo could keep fighting. He depended on them for support and for a family when he had never had any. But they couldn't help him find the reason.

"Just when I need them the most," he added, frustrated. "They can't help."

_So hold me when I'm here _

_Right me when I'm wrong _

_Hold me when I'm scared _

_And love me when I'm gone _

_Everything I am _

_And everything in me _

_Wants to be the one you wanted me to be _

_I'll never let you down _

_And even if I could _

_I'd give up everything _

_If only for your good _

_So hold me when I'm here _

_Right me when I'm wrong _

_You can hold me when I'm scared _

_Won't always be there _

_So love me when I'm gone _

They wouldn't understand. My friends, Duo thought, they couldn't understand what I've been going through. I mean, all they see is my mask. If only I had revealed myself. I could've kept this stuff from ever happening.

Love me when I'm gone 

He laughed at himself, then, a dry laugh that echoed through the canyon in which he walked. How ridiculous he must look, traipsing around this place like a tourist. He was talking, babbling to some rocks. Why was he talking to rocks? He should have been talking to his friends. The red walls stared at him blankly. Unnerved by their glare, Duo kept his gaze focused on the beaten path before him.

_When your education x-ray _

_Cannot see under my skin _

_I won't tell you a damn thing _

_That I could not tell my friends _

_There are moments in the darkness _

_I'm alive but I'm alone _

_And part of me is fighting this, _

_But part of me is gone. _

"Stupid rocks." Duo muttered. "Who cares if they hear me?"

"How much longer can I keep this up?" he yelled into the dry air. "It's gone too far, I can't keep doing this. I'm lying to myself. I'm lying to my friends. This has to stop."

_So hold me when I'm here _

_Right me when I'm wrong _

_Hold me when I'm scared _

_And love when I'm gone _

_Everything I am _

_And everything in me _

_Wants to be the one you wanted me to be _

_I've never let you down _

_And even if I could _

_I'd give up everything _

_If only for your good _

_So hold me when I'm here _

_Right me when I'm wrong _

_You can hold me when I'm scared _

_Won't always be there _

_So love me when I'm gone _

"I've tried so hard to keep myself from falling apart. All for you guys." Duo saw each of his fellow pilots in his head. "I'm sorry. I just…"

His voice trailed off as sudden renewed tears slipped down his face. He hunched his back over and wrapped his arms around himself, not wanting the canyon to see him cry.

"I just can't do this anymore."

Maybe I'm just blind 

Duo suddenly sat down, unable to hide his shudders anymore. Great rivulets of salty hopelessness and desperation dripped into the yellow sand and evaporated immediately. Feeling an empty black void in the pit of his heart, he sucked in drafts of air at a time and pounded his clenched fists into the sharp quartz of the sand.

_So hold me when I'm here _

_Right me when I'm wrong _

_Hold me when I'm scared _

_And love when I'm gone _

He felt the heavy weight of his braid slide down his back as he threw back his head back. There was a way to escape this madness.

_Everything I am _

_And everything in me _

_Wants to be the one you wanted me to be _

The young man grinned as he mentally prepared a plan. Unconsciously, his pale fingers drew circles in the sand, not watching as they quickly filled themselves back in.

_I've never let you down _

_And even if I could _

_I'd give up everything _

_If only for your good _

When he was finally finished with his calculations, he looked down at his hands, still working the sand. Wiping the tears from his eyes, he smiled and drew in the sand two words.

_So hold me when I'm here _

_Right me when I'm wrong _

_You can hold me when I'm scared _

_Won't always be there _

_So love me when I'm gone _

A rogue desert wind blew through the ravine of the canyon. There was no one there.

_Love me when I'm gone _

_Love me when I'm gone _

_When I'm gone _

_When I'm gone _

_When I'm gone _

In the morning, Quatre noticed that Duo had not come down to breakfast.

"Heero," he said with a subtle edge of worry in his voice. "Were there any unexpected missions last night?"

"No," Heero replied, frowning a bit. "What's wrong, Quatre?"

"Where's Duo?"

"He's probably sleeping in late. Again. I'll go get him."

"NO!" Quatre snapped. Heero looked up, eyebrows raised. He calmed himself immediately. "I mean, I'll get him."

Quatre walked quickly out of the kitchen and leaned against the wall, running a hand through his hair. Something was wrong. He could feel it.

Unsteadily, he flew up the stairs to Duo's room. He threw open the door. After a few silent moments, he fell to his knees, tears running down his cheeks. "I knew it. I'm too late."

Heero's footsteps echoed up the flight of stairs and stopped at the doorway. "Quatre, what's wrong? I heard a— "

His body started to shake violently. The Perfect Soldier, who had never batted an eye at the dozens, maybe hundreds of people he killed, could not control the spasms that rocked him.

Hearing all the commotion, Trowa and Wufei appeared in the doorway.

"Duo!" Wufei breathed.

The bedsheets were hopelessly twisted and torn. The all-too familiar stench of blood laced the room, and large stains of it were everywhere; on the walls, on the sheets, on the carpet. But most of the blood was concentrated around the pale figure that sat slumped against the bed. Long strands chestnut hair were falling out of the distinctive braid, shading its owner's eyes. Violent cuts stood fresh on the boy's arms, and a crusty razor was held in one limp hand.

Duo Maxwell was dead.

The boy's other hand was clenched tightly around a white bundle. Quatre gingerly removed the material, which turned out to be a crumpled piece of paper. With trembling fingers, he straightened it out. In shaken, black handwriting, were the same, two simple words:

"I'm Gone."


End file.
